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Jokes of the day

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Desimir View Drop Down
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  Quote Desimir Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Jokes of the day
    Posted: 25-Sep-2006 at 12:44
A guy who was going home in midnight decided to take the shortcut through the local graveyard.Suddenly he heard a strange noise.He saw in front of him some oldman with hammer and chisel to nail something on a grave’s monument.
-Hey oldman ,you scared me.I thought that it was some ghost.What are you doing here in this time of the night?
And the oldman:
-Some idiots wrote my name on the gravestone wrong and I decided to fix it.
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  Quote JanusRook Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-Oct-2006 at 09:22
Not a joke per se but I thought that this was pretty funny:
 
Scientists have wrapped copper wire around Che Guevara's body and surrounded him with magnets. This is because he is turning over in his grave so rapidly due to the commercialization of his image that he now powers most of South and Central America by himself. He is thus the most prolific revolutionary in the history of the world, making over 200 revolutions per second
Economic Communist, Political Progressive, Social Conservative.

Unless otherwise noted source is wiki.
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  Quote Eondt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-Oct-2006 at 09:49
How do you gain perpetual motion?
 
You strap a piece of toast butter-side up to a cat's back and drop it.
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  Quote Aelfgifu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03-Oct-2006 at 09:42

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday the priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's


Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.
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Cywr View Drop Down
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  Quote Cywr Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03-Oct-2006 at 11:29
Taffy pulling Shocked
Arrrgh!!"
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  Quote Aelfgifu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11-Oct-2006 at 14:22
Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that the women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
 
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The women looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines."

Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman.



Edited by Aelfgifu - 11-Oct-2006 at 14:23

Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.
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  Quote vulkan02 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11-Oct-2006 at 23:03
Once upon a time the Emperor of Japan lost one of his most skilled samurai guards in a battle and went seeking for a new one. After much search he got down to three men, two of whom were native Japanes and one a Japanese Jew. He gathered them all so they could demonstrate their skill with the katana...

...and he asked the first one... "What can you do?
The samurai noticed a fly buzzing around, concentrated on the insect and with one quick stroke cut it in half! The Emperor was very impressed!

The second samurai stepped forward and noticed another fly. Like the first he concentrated but gave it two slashes instead of one hence cutting the fly into three parts! The Emperor was almost convinced that this was the man for the job but decided to give the Jew a chance...

Finally the Jew advanced and isolated a fly nearby ready to deliver it from life. He made one quick attack with the sword but strangely nothing happened and the fly remained intact! The Emperor asked him if he missed and the Jew responded that instead of killing the fly he had circumcised it.

The Jew got the job...Big smile

The beginning of a revolution is in reality the end of a belief - Le Bon
Destroy first and construction will look after itself - Mao
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  Quote Aelfgifu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15-Oct-2006 at 10:27

New Euro language in the Works
The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place


Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.
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Cezar View Drop Down
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  Quote Cezar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16-Oct-2006 at 16:07
God and Jesus are just sittin nback and relaxing waychin HBO. Suddenly the bell door.
"Who could be at this hour. Why don't you go and see Son?"
Jesus mumbles but he eventually straith himself up, goes to the front door opens it and there, in all His splendid features, is Allah.
Jesus looks at him and then shouts:
" Hey, Dad, did you ordered shaorma?"
 
*BTW what's the difference between a cat and a steamer?
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  Quote ulrich von hutten Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16-Oct-2006 at 16:57

Two elder ladies are ringing at the door. A young boy opens. One of the ladies asks: Do you have anything to give for the local Orphanage ? The boy said: Please wait" and goes back into the house. Suddenly two shotswere fired and a few seconds later the boy is back and said: Now you can take me.


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  Quote Cezar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16-Oct-2006 at 17:06
Two fishermen with their lines.  Suddenly the first one got a bite, he struglles  for some time the he pulls out of the water a beautiful mermaid. He grabs her, look at her for some time then he throws her back into the ocean. The second guy startled asks him:
"Why?"
The first one answers:
"How?"
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  Quote mamikon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16-Oct-2006 at 17:15
Originally posted by Cezar

God and Jesus are just sittin nback and relaxing waychin HBO. Suddenly the bell door.
"Who could be at this hour. Why don't you go and see Son?"
Jesus mumbles but he eventually straith himself up, goes to the front door opens it and there, in all His splendid features, is Allah.
Jesus looks at him and then shouts:
" Hey, Dad, did you ordered shaorma?"
 
*BTW what's the difference between a cat and a steamer?


dont get it Confused
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Cezar View Drop Down
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  Quote Cezar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16-Oct-2006 at 17:46
Originally posted by mamikon

Originally posted by Cezar

God and Jesus are just sittin nback and relaxing waychin HBO. Suddenly the bell door.
"Who could be at this hour. Why don't you go and see Son?"
Jesus mumbles but he eventually straith himself up, goes to the front door opens it and there, in all His splendid features, is Allah.
Jesus looks at him and then shouts:
" Hey, Dad, did you ordered shaorma?"
 
*BTW what's the difference between a cat and a steamer?


dont get it Confused
 
What is it that zou don't get?
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mamikon View Drop Down
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  Quote mamikon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16-Oct-2006 at 22:15
the Allah shaorma connection...but its ok


here is a bio joke:

what is the sexiest part of mitosis?

the cleavage furrow
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  Quote Ponce de Leon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17-Oct-2006 at 11:52
There are two hippos in the tub. One of the hippos says "pass the soap." The other says, "not soap! Radio!"
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  Quote Seko Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17-Oct-2006 at 12:16
Forgive me for not deciphering your latest Poncism. Radio?
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  Quote mamikon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17-Oct-2006 at 12:43

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good"? I said "no, I made a few mistakes"

A hydrogen atom Walks into a bar, looks at the bartender and says I think I just lost an electron. The bartender says are you sure, and hydrogen atom goes "I'm positive!"

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mamikon View Drop Down
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  Quote mamikon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17-Oct-2006 at 12:43
Schroedinger and Heisenberg are driving in a car, and they hit a dog.

Schroedinger: "Is it dead?"

Heisenberg:  "I can't be certain."

Edited by mamikon - 17-Oct-2006 at 12:44
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  Quote arch.buff Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17-Oct-2006 at 19:18
Originally posted by Cezar

God and Jesus are just sittin nback and relaxing waychin HBO. Suddenly the bell door.
"Who could be at this hour. Why don't you go and see Son?"
Jesus mumbles but he eventually straith himself up, goes to the front door opens it and there, in all His splendid features, is Allah.
Jesus looks at him and then shouts:
" Hey, Dad, did you ordered shaorma?"
 
*BTW what's the difference between a cat and a steamer?
 
I dont get this either? Whats Shaorma?
Be a servant to all, that is a quality of a King.
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  Quote Balaam Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18-Oct-2006 at 02:26
Shoarma aka Shawarma is a Dner kebab
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