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Julius Caesar - first christian emperor

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vagabond View Drop Down
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  Quote vagabond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Julius Caesar - first christian emperor
    Posted: 12-Oct-2005 at 10:53

Was digging for other information when I found this gem - didn't know at first if I should laugh or cry - then laughed till I cried.

http://allfreeessays.com/student/The_Emperor_Caesar.html

Some notable quotes:

The Emperor Julius Caesar is perhaps most famous as the first Roman Emperor to convert to Christianity. His rise from a humble birth as a peasant boy to Emperor is a tale of bravery, adversity and ultimately triumph through faith.
 

The German historian Guildo Horn noted: 'Seine Mutter war ein Hamster und sein Vater, der von den Holunderbeeren gerochen wurde.'
 

The Rubicon was one of Europe's long rivers called Amazons by Herodotus. At the French/Italian border it was a mile wide and infested with piranha. It was here that Julius Caesar performed his first miracle.

In the time of your life, live - so that in that wonderous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but shall smile to the infinite delight and mystery of it. (Saroyan)
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  Quote Reginmund Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12-Oct-2005 at 13:21
Indeed, absolutely hilarious. You need to have some knowledge of classical antiquity to appreciate it fully though.

This is the best part I think:

"In his epic history from the fifteenth century, the Origin and Rise of the Roman Empire, Edward Gibbon noted: 'He was much vexed at his time with the Eagles. He failed to attract the attention of the Centurion in charge of the Legion and for his firft seafon languifhed in the referves.' After an unsuccessful first year with the Eagles he was traded to Legio XII Gallico (the Irish) as a quartermaster in exchange for a young man known as Trajan who would later become famous for inventing the Column. The Irish were based in Lugdunum, the capital of France which would later be known as Gaul. It was here that Julius Caesar first started his diary De Bello Gallico (The Bells of Gaul)."
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  Quote hugoestr Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12-Oct-2005 at 13:44
My favorite line

They arranged to meet each other, but Julius Caesar had a problem. He had no idea when they would next date. He decided this would not do and so he invented the calendar. He named the first month March after his favourite hobby and the second April after a waitress at a pizza house in Rome.
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  Quote Guests Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12-Oct-2005 at 14:21
Quote:
The Rubicon was one of Europe's long rivers called Amazons by Herodotus. At the French/Italian border it was a mile wide and infested with piranha. It was here that Julius Caesar performed his first miracle.


The Rubicon is not at the French Italian border but at the southern tip of the Po valley in northern Italy. In Caesar's time it divided Cisalpine Gaul (northern Italy) from the real Roman Italy (the peninsular part). With this pic you can see that it is not one of the longest river in Europe; I saw it 3 years ago and I can assure you that it is not one miles wide; maybe 10 meters wide!

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  Quote Decebal Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12-Oct-2005 at 15:39

This looks to me like a birrliant joke. I wonder if someone would be dumb enough to actually plagiarize this essay and pass it as his own.. Some other extracts:

"He was a fifth round draft pick for Legio X (The Eagles)"

"The Gallic chief Asterix was due at any moment"

"Aristotle tells us at the last moment Julius Caesar realised he was making a terrible mistake and yelled 'Watch out! Shark!' and pointed out of the tent.While Asterix was distracted he swapped the treaties"

"To celebrate he changed France's name to Gaul, after himself. But then he was worried people might think him egotistical, and so this was when he changed his own name to Caesar, because he had 'Seized' Gaul. "

"Archaeologists recently found evidence of this when they discovered no piranha in the river, due to pollution from Eastern Europe, thus proving 'the crossing of the Rubicon'. "

" It was while cruising he met Cleopatra. He fell in love and she fell in a carpet, but they unrolled it before serious harm was done"

What is history but a fable agreed upon?
Napoleon Bonaparte

Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth.- Mohandas Gandhi

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Decebal View Drop Down
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  Quote Decebal Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12-Oct-2005 at 15:47
The funny thing is that I browsed through the other essays on the site and the rest of them seem serious. Make sure to check out the comments about the article.
What is history but a fable agreed upon?
Napoleon Bonaparte

Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth.- Mohandas Gandhi

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  Quote hugoestr Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12-Oct-2005 at 15:53
Yes, the first one is funny too. I added a comment to encourage the lazy bums to use it
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  Quote Komnenos Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12-Oct-2005 at 17:16
The German historian Guildo Horn noted: 'Seine Mutter war ein Hamster und sein Vater, der von den Holunderbeeren gerochen wurde.'


Great stuff.

And here he is, the famous German historian Guildo Horn, who in his spare time leads his own band and had a memorable performance during the 2000(?) Eurovision Song Contest.


[IMG]http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i137/komnenos/crosses1.jpg">
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  Quote Cywr Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14-Oct-2005 at 09:42


*Bookmarked*
And lol @ the comments too.
Arrrgh!!"
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  Quote Constantine XI Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14-Oct-2005 at 22:28
Ahahaha, "Trajan, who invented the column", that is too funny!
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  Quote Serge L Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15-Oct-2005 at 16:13
At the age of fourteen Julius escaped the slums of Rome by signing up to join the army as a meretrix, someone who provided assistance to the soldiers.


meretrix = prostitute

I guess this is a joke by some happy fellow who actualy knows how things really were, maybe in order to trick some lazy schoolboy who prefer to copy the first thing he can find on the web rather than doing serious researches, as decebal suggested, rather than some ignoramus' babbling.
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