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Jokes of the day

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  Quote Dolphin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Jokes of the day
    Posted: 23-Aug-2007 at 05:10
A young man was on a merchant ship crossing the pacific ocean. The ship got caught in a freak and violent storm that wrecked it and threw the ships contents to sea. The young man was thrown into the waves with the rest of the cargo.
 
The man woke up on a desert island, with only a pig and the captain's dog for company. They rummaged for food, spent all their lonely time together, he even talked to them.
 
As time and the years went on, the man started to yearn for the lack of sexual excitement on the island, and startes becoming closer and closer to the pig, whom he seemed to have a connection with. But, as the island was small and the group was close, every time he attempted an advance on the pig, the dog would jealously intervene, thus frustraing the man further..
 
So imagine his joy when a beautiful girl washed up on the beach beside him one morning. He resussitated her, as she was not breathing, and when she came to, she was so full of love and admiration for her saviour that she said she would do anything in the world for him.
 
The man thought carefully for a moment, and then said,
'Could you take the bloody dog for a walk?'
 
 
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  Quote elenos Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24-Aug-2007 at 23:17
Blackbeard walks into a bar and the bartender says,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile. You look terrible. What happened?"

"What do you mean, matey?" replies the pirate, "I feel fine, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Me hearty," says the buccaneer, "we went against a Spanish galleon near Maracaibo and a cannon ball hit the mast. It fell down and crushed me leg, but I'm up on me peg now."

"Good to hear," says the bartender, "but what about that hook? Whatever happened to your hand?"

"Shiver me timbers," replies the privateer, "Another battle against a French frigate off Tortuga. I boarded their ship and got into a sword fight with the Captain. The scurvy dog managed to cut me hand off, so I got fitted with this here hook."

"My God! What about that eye patch then?"

"Dead man's chest," says the brigand, "One day we were out at sea off New Providence and a flock of albatross flew over. I looked up and one of them accursed birds pooped in me eye."

"Surely you couldn't lose an eye from some bird crap?"

"Arr, Twas me first day with the hook!"
elenos
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  Quote Northman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03-Sep-2007 at 05:48

Late Train

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying, "All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."

The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him, "Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours." So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say.

The boy sat down to his train set and the mother started smiling when he calmly said, "Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen, who just got on the train, welcome on board - we hope you will have a plesant journey. All of you ladies and gentlemen, who want to get off the train, thank you for travelling with us and have a plesant day.
And all you son of a bitches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the fat bitch in the kitchen.



Edited by Northman - 03-Sep-2007 at 05:52
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  Quote Deano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27-Oct-2007 at 01:12
This one is sorta childish but its also funny.
Some people buy a house and hear the bsoun.
''sitting on a choclate island sourounded by a ocean of lemonade.''
They get so scared they jump out the window and die.So sme more people come and the same thing happens.But when the seller of the house is showing the people around and they here that the seller jumps out the window and dies but the family folow the sound around to the bathroom to find a cockroach in the toilet singing;''Sitting on a choclate island souronded by a ocean of lemonade.''
I AM FARTAKUS!
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  Quote Balaam Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-Feb-2008 at 00:58
Whats a Catch 22 situation for a Jew?

Free pork.
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  Quote Dolphin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-Feb-2008 at 05:37

Funny, but will you get in trouble for it?!

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

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  Quote Balaam Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-Feb-2008 at 10:40
Originally posted by Dolphin

Funny, but will you get in trouble for it?!


I hope not, but if i do it wont be the first time my very open Aussie view on humour will have gotten me in trouble...
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  Quote Balaam Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03-Mar-2008 at 04:48
An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside.  The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia .

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'

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  Quote Knights Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03-Mar-2008 at 06:40
LOLThumbs%20Up That guy so had it coming...!
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  Quote Alkibiades Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-Jul-2008 at 18:52

LOL Ladies and gents, these are pretty priceless. ROFL!

I haven't read all of the posts on this thread, but will do so in the fullness of time.
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  Quote Balaam Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31-Aug-2008 at 13:22
This is one for the Australians,

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Darwin bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, 'That's about average in Queensland, fellas...like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland baby boy.'

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of 'WOW'! Were heard.

One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, ' Hey, you're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.

We were going to call you. So how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, ' 19 pounds.'

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.'

The Queensland father takes a slow swig from his XXXX, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bar and proudly says, 'Had him circumcised.'


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  Quote Alkibiades Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05-Sep-2008 at 13:31
LOLLOL!
 
(Reminiscent of the jokes posted on HBO message boards.)
...sed sic sic sine fine feriati, et tecum iaceamus osculantes...
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  Quote Count Belisarius Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19-Jan-2009 at 17:52
Ann: "Today in school we learned how to spell milk P-M-I-L-K."
 
Margaret: "You moron there's no 'P' in Milk
 
Ann: "There is in yours."
 
 
(Lame I know but I couldn't resistEmbarrassedClown Sorry) 
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  Quote TheAlaniDragonRising Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27-Dec-2011 at 10:55

Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help.

He shouts at the emergency operator, "My friend is dead! What do I do!?"

"Calm down", the operator says, "I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he's dead."

The phone goes silent, for a second. Then the operator hears a gunshot.

"Ok", says the hunter, "now what?"

What a handsome figure of a dragon. No wonder I fall madly in love with the Alani Dragon now, the avatar, it's a gorgeous dragon picture.
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  Quote TheAlaniDragonRising Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13-Jan-2012 at 08:14
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?" He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
What a handsome figure of a dragon. No wonder I fall madly in love with the Alani Dragon now, the avatar, it's a gorgeous dragon picture.
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  Quote TheAlaniDragonRising Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19-Feb-2012 at 17:21

There were two nuns sitting on a park bench, when a naked man goes jogging by. One nun has a stroke, the other nun couldn’t reach.LOL

What a handsome figure of a dragon. No wonder I fall madly in love with the Alani Dragon now, the avatar, it's a gorgeous dragon picture.
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  Quote TheAlaniDragonRising Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26-Feb-2012 at 06:36
During musical lesson, boy opens violin case and sees a rifle inside...

Teacher: Oh my God! What does it mean ?!?!... 

Boy: It means that my dad now in the bank with my violin...
What a handsome figure of a dragon. No wonder I fall madly in love with the Alani Dragon now, the avatar, it's a gorgeous dragon picture.
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  Quote TheAlaniDragonRising Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22-Mar-2012 at 00:51
Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"

"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.

"How about a foot race to see if you're right," said the younger employee.

With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"
What a handsome figure of a dragon. No wonder I fall madly in love with the Alani Dragon now, the avatar, it's a gorgeous dragon picture.
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  Quote TheAlaniDragonRising Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28-Jul-2012 at 23:56
The Dalai Lama goes into a pizza restaurant, and the assistant asks what type of pizza he would like. The Dalai Lama says, can you make me one with everything.
What a handsome figure of a dragon. No wonder I fall madly in love with the Alani Dragon now, the avatar, it's a gorgeous dragon picture.
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  Quote TheAlaniDragonRising Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14-Jun-2013 at 15:50
A woman invited some people to dinner. 
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said. 
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. 
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered. 
The daughter bowed her head and said, 
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".
What a handsome figure of a dragon. No wonder I fall madly in love with the Alani Dragon now, the avatar, it's a gorgeous dragon picture.
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