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  Quote Seko Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Jokes of the day
    Posted: 31-Aug-2006 at 16:06
   - A man asked God how long a second of his time was for humans. God answered that it was like a million years. The guy then asked the All Mighty if a penny was worth something like a million dollars. And God agreed with the similarity. The wise guy then pleaded with God if it would be alright to spare him a penny then. God told the guy all he had to do was just wait a second.




- The puzzled little computer geek recieved a basketball for his birthday. Then he asked his dad for the owner's manual.
    
    

Edited by Seko - 31-Aug-2006 at 16:12
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  Quote Jay. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-Sep-2006 at 12:26
I motion to sticky this thread!
 
----

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

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  Quote Northman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-Sep-2006 at 13:18
LOL  Good ones....
 
 
Visiting an Oil Rig in the North Sea, my host asked me: 
How can you tell the girl standing on the edgeof the deck with the green safetyhelmet, is a blonde? 
'Hmmmmmmm' I said - 'I dont know'.
 
Dont you see she is throwing bread to the helicopters?
 
*************************************************
 
The woman complained to the doctor....
Doctor - its very sad - my husband thinks he's a motorbike.
 
Ah - in that case, you better bring him here so I can have a talk with him.
 
But doctor, the woman said - would you really risk to have oil-stains on your nice floor? 
 
 


Edited by Northman - 01-Sep-2006 at 13:23
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  Quote Paul Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-Sep-2006 at 15:30
Here's a Thai joke translated,
 
 
Engineers were digging 100 metres under the New York subway when they discovered some strange strands of copper. They called in a team of Archaeologists from the New York History Museum. After 6 months of digging the archaeologists released a report, stating 10,000 years ago the ancestors of the Amerindians had laid copper cable and must of had telephones.
 
Not to be outdone, in Tokyo archaeologists dug 200 metres underneath the Tokyo Metro. After a few weeks they discovered weird strands of glass and shortly released a report declaring this could only mean 20,000 years ago the ancestors of the Japanese had laid fibre optic cable.
 
So next a team of Thai archaeologists dug 300 metres underneath the Bangkok Subway. For six months they studied hard but found nothing at all. Shortly they released a report, saying this could only mean one thing, 30,000 years ago Thais had mobile phones.
 


Edited by Paul - 01-Sep-2006 at 15:33
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  Quote DayI Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-Sep-2006 at 17:09
I heard this joke on a movie:

you know all that titanic sunk wright :P So while sunking everyone jumped on litle boats to save their life but one priest stayed on the boat. A guy screamed him to jump on the boat, but the priest said "God will save me", then they let him go they left also. After a while while the water came to his knees and there came rescue-boat to save him, but again he refused help and said "God will save me", so they left him also on the sunking boat. This time the water came till his shoulders, but from a distance there came a rescue-helicopter, they saw the priest till his shoulders on water, they trowed a ladder and yelled to jump on the ladder but again the priest refused help and said "God will save me". Also that helicopter left him, the priest has drownd and died there. Then he shows up as an angel on the front of his God and asks him "why didnt you save me?" then God replies "You fool, ive send you 2 boats and a helicopter!!"

LOL
LOLLOL
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  Quote Omar al Hashim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-Sep-2006 at 19:31
lol, particularly love DayI and Pauls
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  Quote mamikon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-Sep-2006 at 22:38
Originally posted by Jay

I motion to sticky this thread!


I second that motion!
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  Quote Northman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-Sep-2006 at 02:32
Rednecks Medical Terms:
 
Benign....................... What you be, after you be eight.
Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria..................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium...................... What doctors do when patients die.
Caesarian Section..... A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat-scan..................... looking hard at Kitty Cat.
Cauterize.................. Made eye contact with her.
Colic......................... A sheep dog.
Coma........................ A punctuation mark.
D&C.......................... Where Washington is.
Dilate....................... To live long.
Enema...................... Not a friend.
Fester....................... Quicker than anyone else.
Fibula....................... A small lie.
G.I. Series................ World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.................. What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.................. Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.............. Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff........... A Doctor's cane.
Morbid..................... A higher offer.
Nitrates................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node....................... I knowd it.
Outpatient................ A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear.............. A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative......... A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.. ....... Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.................... might near killed him.
Secretion................. Hiding something.
Seizure.................... Roman emperor.
Tablet...................... A small table.
Terminal Illness....... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..................... One plus one more.
Urine....................... Opposite of you're out.
Varicose.................. Near by/close
 
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  Quote xristar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-Sep-2006 at 10:27

We have the same joke with Paul in Greece. It says that we dug under Acropolis, we found nothing, and that's why we had mobile phones. In greece also it goes with the French and the Italians (not with Japanese and Americans).

I can't think of many good jokes. I'll write one that I herad when I was like 7 or 8 years old and I liked it very much back then (and I still find it nice). So it goes:

There was a man with his head itching terribly. He goes to a doctor. The doctor tells him that he has lice. 'In order to get rid of them put your head in the fridge for half an hour, and the lice will die of cold.' The man goes home and puts his head in the fridge as the doctor said. When he takes it out, he thinks he got rid of the lices, but then a louse come down to his nose and says 'What a cold! It was a hard time but we managed to survive'. The desperate man then goes again to the doctor. The doctor tells him to stick his head in the oven, and so the lice will defenitely die. The man goes home and does it. Then a louse comes down to his nose and says 'Wow, what a heat! It was a hard time but we survived'. Now , the man goes again to the doctor. The doctor now says 'Go, find a man with a lot of hair, and bang your head on his. The lice will leave you and go to him.' The man goes out to the street and he looks for a man with lots of hair. He sees one, he closes him and he bangs his head on the other man's head. While he is happy thinking he solved his problem, a louse comes down to his nose saying 'Wow! What a terrible battle! But we won and took many prisoners!'

 

 

 


Defeat allows no explanation
Victory needs none.
It insults the dead when you treat life carelessly.
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  Quote ulrich von hutten Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03-Sep-2006 at 07:34
a man is coming into a (german ) bakery shop and asks for bread.the sails girl (or boy) asks: which kind of bread do you want. white, brown or black bread ? the man replys: i doesn't matter.it's for a blind guy.......

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  Quote Northman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06-Sep-2006 at 11:22
One day my phone rang and when I picked it up, I could hear it was the blonde bimbo next door.
The conversation went on like this:
 
"I need your help" she proclaimed all excited.
"Sure" I said - "how can I help you"?
"I have opened a new jig-saw puzzle, and I can't even get started"
I asked, "Whats its supposed to look like when its done"?
"Well she said - like always, there is a picture on the box - it looks like a rooster"
"All Right" I said, I'm coming"
 
She had the puzzle on the dining table and I took a quick look - and then I said "Why dont you make us a nice cup of coffee while I put all the Cereal back into the box"? 
 
 


Edited by Northman - 06-Sep-2006 at 11:23
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  Quote Seko Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07-Sep-2006 at 23:18
A guy went to the local bar and ordered three beers. As he quickly pounded them down the bartender said, "Hey Buddy, are you ok?" The guy replyed, "Sure. I always toast my two friends when they can't make it to the bar with me."
 
The next week the guy goes to the same bar and orders two beers this time. The puzzled bartender noticed. "Only two beers?  Did one of your friends die or something?" The guy responded,  "Nah. Since I quit yesterday, I'll only be drinking to them!"


Edited by Seko - 07-Sep-2006 at 23:29
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  Quote mamikon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07-Sep-2006 at 23:39
Originally posted by Seko

A guy went to the local bar and ordered three beers. As he quickly pounded them down the bartender said, "Hey Buddy, are you ok?" The guy replyed, "Sure. I always toast my two friends when they can't make it to the bar with me."
 
The next week the guy goes to the same bar and orders two beers this time. The puzzled bartender noticed. "Only two beers?  Did one of your friends die or something?" The guy responded,  "Nah. Since I quit yesterday, I'll only be drinking to them!"


LOL

That same setup was in an Armenian comedy series except he was drinking for only two people his friend and himself.


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  Quote Le Renard Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08-Sep-2006 at 13:09
Physics Joke:
 
A chemist and a physics guy were in a car together. Up ahead there was a train about to intersect their path. The chemist yelled "press the accelerator!" The Physics guy replied, "which one?"
LOL
"History repeats itself because nobody listened the first time."
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  Quote Scorpius Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10-Sep-2006 at 01:12

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. To my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on.

I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said "Take a close look at it."

To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth.

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D

"I cannot read the fiery letters," I said. "No," he said, "but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"

"One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

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  Quote Paul Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10-Sep-2006 at 09:04

An engineer, a physicist, and a philosopher are shown a pasture
with a herd of  sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest
possible amount of fence.
 
The engineer is first.  He herds the sheep into a circle and then
puts the fence  around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least
fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
 
The physicist is next.  She creates a circular fence of infinite
radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd,
declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
 
The philosopher is last.  After giving the problem a little thought,
he puts a small fence around himself and then declares,
"I define myself to be on the outside!"
Light blue touch paper and stand well back

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  Quote Paul Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10-Sep-2006 at 09:07

> > > A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the
> > > following exchange:
> > >
> > > Officer:
> > > May I see your driver's license?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got caught drink
> > > driving.
> > >
> > > Officer:
> > > May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > It's not my car. I stole it.
> > >
> > > Officer:
> > > The car is stolen?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
> > > owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my
> > > gun in there.
> > >
> > > Officer:
> > > There's a gun in the glove box?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
> > > woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
> > >
> > > Officer:
> > > There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > Yes, sir.
> > >
> > >
> > > Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
> > > The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the
> > > captain approached the driver to handle the tense
> > > situation:
> > >
> > > Captain:
> > > Sir, can I see your license?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > Sure. Here it is.
> > >
> > > It was valid.
> > >
> > > Captain:
> > > Who's car is this?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
> > >
> > > The driver owned the car.
> > >
> > > Captain:
> > > Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
> > > gun in it?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
> > > Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
> > >
> > > Captain:
> > > Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
> > > there's a body in it.
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > No problem.
> > >
> > > Trunk is opened; no body.
> > >
> > > Captain:
> > > I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
> > > told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun
> > > in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
> > >
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > Yeah, I'll bet that Liar told you I was speeding too!!
 
 
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xristar View Drop Down
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  Quote xristar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11-Sep-2006 at 04:20
It is quite interesting that most of these jokes I've heard already in Greece. Is it that all people around the world create the same jokes, or that the jokes are the easiest stories to be spread?

Defeat allows no explanation
Victory needs none.
It insults the dead when you treat life carelessly.
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  Quote Aelfgifu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11-Sep-2006 at 04:59
Originally posted by xristar

It is quite interesting that most of these jokes I've heard already in Greece. Is it that all people around the world create the same jokes, or that the jokes are the easiest stories to be spread?
 
Or perhaps these are the jokes that work in every language. It would be difficult to make others understand local jokes, or jokes referring to the collective memory of a nation or other group.
 
I recently read an article about a woman from a Dutch uni who had done research on humor and jokes. One of the things she did was compare popularity of comedyseries in different countries. She found out that in different countries people have a different sense of what humor is. In general, European humor is sharper and darker than Amercan humor, but I donot remember any specifics...

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  Quote arch.buff Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13-Sep-2006 at 23:23

One day a man sits down at his favorite diner across from his house. He orders his food and start to read the days newspaper when a large man walks in with a huge duffel bag at sits right next to the man. The man cant resist and asks the gentleman what hes got inside the large bag. The gentleman whispers to the fellow that its a high power rifle and that hes a hired hit man. The man is shocked, hes never seen a hit man in real life so he asks the hit man if he can hold the gun and the hit man reluctantly agrees. "Look at the scope on this baby", replies the man. "I bet I can see my house from here". So the hit man tells him to walk outside and take a look.  "You sure can see my house, hell you can even see inside my bedroom. Theres my wife.....the TV's on......BOB! MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR!!! AHHH WHAT THE F***!!!".

"How much you charge for a hit?" The hit man tells him its a grand a bullet. So the poor man writes him out a check for $2,000 and tells him to shoot Bob in the d*ck, so he'll never forget it and his wife in the head to kill her. So the hit man sets up with his powerful scope and just sits for about 10 seconds until the man replies "Well, you gonna shoot em or not?" so the hit man tells him "What a minute.......I might be able to save you a grand"  
 


Edited by arch.buff - 13-Sep-2006 at 23:24
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