SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera houses in the world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous women. She is still in Who's Who, and probably will remain there until arrested. SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces and spends his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain. Godfathered by France. Was an impetuous baby. Education: School of experience at Washington. S. was assisted in early life by a number of men who took an interest in him. When thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother, but later became on excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization business. Succeeded. At the age of eighty-four S. suffered from a severe attack of internal indiscretion. Recuperated slowly. Later entered the trust-raising business, and devoted considerable time to politics. In 1897 he spanked a European power, but had to take care of the children after the incident. S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the former, although once in awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long hair, high hat, a suit made out of the flag, smoked cigarettes, had bad manners, and used much slang. Publications: Bank notes. Ambition: Another Republican president. Address: Washington, D. C., U. S. A. Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he deserves it.) SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a young man he rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain and lift a fat lady. Entered the army. Was successful until he became bald. Committed suicide by pushing a temple on himself. SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin collector. One of those individuals whom nature has endowed with a magnificent body, and sufficient brains to make money with it. SANTOS-DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had enough money and sense to quit before people remarked how natural he looked. SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in closing the cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular with the masses until election day. When the opposition returned they made it hot for him. SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from obscurity by Mark Twain, and became a good salesman. SCHLITZ, press agent of Milwaukee, U. S. A., who was successful in advertising himself and his town. In England he is Schwepps. SCHOPENHAUER, father of race suicide. Lionized by the French Republic and T. R. Ambition: Empty cribs. Recreation: Trips with his wife and children. Clubs: Mother's. SCOTS, Mary Queen of, a Scotch lady who is said to have been beautiful, who fell in love, and was one of the few women whose less attractive sister got the better of her. SCOTT, Walter, a Scotchman who secured fame without adopting the national characteristics. His critics claim this was the reason he failed in business. Wrote some books which are read by students and persons possessing much time. SEBASTIAN, Saint, the Italian who was shot with arrows and ran second to the apostles in the number of his portraits exhibited in European galleries. SEIDLITZ, powder manufacturer. SEVILLE, Barber of, a celebrated tonsorial artist who introduced the marcel wave and the Gillette razor into Spain. SHACKLETON, Ernest, another pole explorer. He was saved the ignominy of reaching the desired point by the shortness of rations, but he was near enough to become a profitable author and lecturer. SHAKESPEARE, William, the man who was born at Stratford-on-Avon. When a young man he amused himself by poaching, visiting the Hathaway cottage, and being the village pest. Married the inmate of the cottage and went to London, a city in England. S. became an apprentice actor, and was said to have been nearly as bad an actor as his contemporaries. His fame later arose due to his growing popularity. He died. S.'s birthplace is now one of the tourist sights of the world. More post-cards are sent from this town than from any of its size in Europe. The church where he lies buried has an immense floating congregation. S. also shared honors with one Bacon for writing a few plays. Ambition: Present-day prices in Elizabethan theatres. Recreation: Rehearsals. Address: The World. Epitaph: (Has been obliterated.) SHAMPOO, a barber of Shoo Poo, China, who introduced the art of clean heads into the Celestial Empire. This has since fallen into disrepute in that country, but is sometimes practiced in other lands. SHAW, G. Bernard, grouch, truth teller. An English writer who made money by being honest enough to tell people what they knew. S.'s enemies claim he would have to work should his theories be put into practice. Believes in socialism and wants everything. Author of considerable sarcasm, wit, and divided opinion as to his talents. Ambition: An Americanless England. Also, sales. Address: Watch bill-boards. SHEBA, Queen of, an ancient mere woman who matched her brains against the brainiest man who ever lived. She lost. SHEM, Noah's heir. Was first officer of the Ark. SHERMAN, General, secured his fame by marching to the sea and giving a terse definition of war. SHERRY, proprietor of a New York restaurant where a person feels wealthy while at the table and poor afterward. SHOE, Old Woman of the, one of those anti-race-suicide mothers whose family caused considerable worry. Ambition: A better job for her husband. Address: Shoe. Clubs: She did not have time for any, and thus could not be a suffragette. SHUSTER, Morgan, an American child who attempted to play the diplomatic game in Persia with grown ups. Was spanked and sent home. Occupation: Crying. Ambition: Ambassador to a country without diplomats. Address: Home. SHYLOCK. See New York City business directory. SIMON, Simple, epicurean. Passed an uneventful life with the exception of an encounter with a confectioner near the fair grounds. The man operated his business on a cash basis. Simon was broke and no sale was consummated. SINBAD, an old tar whose yarns are still on the distaff. SISTERS, Seven Sutherland, a noted family who held out salvation for the bald and envy to women. SMITH, John, the bravest man who ever lived. Smith ate the first lobster. SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the world. SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed suicide. SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old Mormon who established a record for wearing wedding clothes. When a child he developed a Boston brain. This grew as the years advanced. At a tender age he began acquiring mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt his acumen. S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building a city and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular songs. His proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one more wife and an end to those quarrels in the harem. Recreations: Picnics with the family. Also was fond of the phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss. Solomon. Epitaph: Here Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All. SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of wealthy parents. Became tired of home and desired to travel. Visited foreign lands and had a jolly good time. His letter of credit expired. Friends were never at home after the event. S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked home. Father was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular with his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of life. Address: Home. SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot pigeons between march compositions. SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race degenerated from monkeys, and established the theory that only the survivors are the fittest. SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great Britain and the United States, who believed that noble man was incompetent, incomplete, incompatible, incongruent, inconsistent, and an incubus in his incurious incumbency. She was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too Much Money. Early days spent at home. She married and began her career. S.'s first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a speech maker and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see her name in print led to the adoption of strenuous press-agent tactics. She died fighting. Ambition: To offset her husband's vote on election day. Recreation: Parading, windows, bombs, letter boxes, English ministries, and a string of etcs. Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and Hope.) SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast. Belongs to the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious objection to use of her head, except for decorative purposes. Was not averse to press notices and looked with envy on the achievements of the suffragettes in this direction. Being denied high office in their ranks because of lack of adequate cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all women, except herself, belong at home with their husbands and children. Where they belong in the absence of these, deponent sayeth not. Ambition: Continued parasitic existence. Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on behind. Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas! The World Does Move And She Was "Agin It." SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the governor of New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of retiring from office in order that he might be considered a progressive. Motto: Be sure your sins will get you out. Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet: Tigers. Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You Will, But The Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still.