CAESAR, Julius, school book writer, river crosser, and a great politician who was not born in Ireland. Entered Roman politics as the leader of the Gang. Was active in military affairs. Became a fair general despite his poor service training. Desired to write a book. Began by taking an army and capturing Europe and England. He did not waste his time with Scotland or Ireland. C. made a river famous by crossing it, and finally included Rome in his history of victories. Became popular with the voters, but had trouble with the Senate. Wrote books and paid his debts. Was finally attacked by a few vested-interest senators, and stabbed by a chum. The murderer was caught, but escaped the gallows. C. was honored with one of the finest funeral orations over delivered over a corpse. He was also awarded a few triumphant arches. Publications: Omnes Gallia est divisa in tres parses. Ambition: Rome: Address: Capitol, Rome. Clubs: Gladiators, Vestal. Was also a member of the Society for the Protection of Roman Ruins. Epitaph: Veni, Vidi. CAIN, one of our ancestors of whom we do not brag. CANNON, Honorable Joseph G., late of the Speaker's Chair, House of Representatives, Washington, U. S. A. For centuries C. occupied the chair, and tenderly protected poor railroads and trusts from the unkind remarks of congressmen who knew things and him. Was finally retired from the chair by the Democrats, and from Congress by his constituents. Grave: 1912 election. Heir: Champ Clark. Ambition: Those good old trusty days once more. Address: The Far Back Woods. Epitaph: R. I. P. CANUTE, a king of England who proved the theory that the ocean could wave at him. CARLOS, Don, a man who does not believe a head is uneasy which wears a crown. Ambition: Royal Palace, Madrid. Address: Northern Spain. CARMEN, celebrated Spanish flirt. She worked in the government tobacco factory at Seville until a clever writer and a musician rescued her. Went on the stage. Has appeared in most of the cities throughout the world, made love to several singers, and then been killed by a bull fighter after singing her way through five acts. CARNEGIE, Andrew, or "Andy," or the Laird of Skibo. A fine old American who went about giving away libraries, advice, peace buildings, and advertising armor plate. When a young Scotchman he scotched his three dollars a week and purchased the steel trust. Later retired. Ambition: Universal peace with all dreadnaughts steel trust armored. Also a library in every town. Recreation: Telling young men how to scorn the root of all fortunes. Also receiving university degrees. Address: University commencement platforms, New York City and Scotland. CARTER, a doctor who wants everybody to have liver trouble. CARUSO, Enrico, millionaire opera singer, who appeared in the Victor Talking Machine and New York City. Always had a cold or a sore throat, a condition which assisted materially in filling the house. Like all his contemporaries, C. has been sued for divorce and breach of promise, has lost his jewelry, visited zoological gardens, sung for charity, given farewell concerts, and done other things to help his newspaper and box-office reputation. CASTELLINE, Count Boni Di, a French gold prospector who was successful for a time in the U. S. CASTOR, one of Leda's twins. Also invented an oil (see Pollux). CASTRO, Cipriano, of Venezuela. First man to introduce American-Irish politics into South America. Acquired a fortune, which was greatly increased by a personal friendship with the American asphalt trust. Was revolutioned a few times, and finally escaped with the mint and his life. Career: Dangerous. Ambition: Subjects without guns? and a New York police force in his country. Recreation: Taxes. Address: ? CHAMBERLAIN, Joe A., of England. A former Lloyd-George of the Treasury, who had different ideas of taxation. CHARON, ferryman. Never had a childhood. Devoted life to his business. Has navigated more people than all the Atlantic liners combined. Ambition: A launch. Recreation: None. Address: The Styx. CHAUCER (first name unknown), an early experimenter in the English language. Notorious as a bad speller. His best-known work is used as a student puzzle in leading universities and colleges. Ambition: A typewriter and a dictionary. CHINAMAN, John, a well-known character in the U. S. who washed clothes, and made chop suey until he had enough money to return to his native land, purchase a few wives, and live in opium. CHURCHILL, Winston, wrote books for a living. CHURCHILL, Winston, did not write books for a living. CINCINNATUS, of Rome, who left his plow to make his share in politics. Later inaugurated the back-to-the-farm movement. CINDERELLA, the only scullion maid who had a small foot and two sisters in society. Historians have questioned her claims to fame, but they may easily be substantiated by millions of children. CLAUS, Santa, poor father. CLEOPATRA, of Egypt. A queen who presented England with a threadless needle, fell in love with some foreigners, was unsuccessful in her love and naval affairs, and finally became a mummy through the auspices of an adder. Ambition: An Egyptian St. Patrick. Also Royal lovers. Recreation: Barging with Anthony. Epitaph: Pyramid. CLIMBERS, T. H. E., an American man and woman who had money and ambition. Spent the early portion of their lives gathering cash, and the later in spending it. Were welcomed by many people, but never quite reached the top. Both died trying to get there. Ambition: An English nobleman in the family. Recreation: Paris, London, and Switzerland. Address: See Recreation. Clubs: All, with the exception of the ones they wanted. COLE, King, a merry old monarch of the Kingdom of Childhood. Great smoker, and was fond of the bowl. Recreation: Fiddlers. COLEMAN, a man whose invention has caused tears and throat burnings. COLUMBUS, Christopher, map enlarger, skipper. Said to have been born in Genoa. Something made him believe the world was round. He endeavored to secure money to prove his theory, but nobody cared whether he was correct or not. Realizing there was no capital or prophet in his own country, he took passage to Spain. There he inveigled Isabella into equipping an expedition for him to discover America. She did and he did. Ambition: To keep New York City in the family. Recreation: Deck shuffle-boards, dreaming. Address: San Salvatore. Clubs: Palos Yacht. COMPANY, T. H. E., a man and woman who invariably called when we were taking a nap or dressing. Charming conversationalists. Recreation: Tea. Ambition: An invitation to dinner. CONFUCIUS, A Chinese preacher of note. Lived some 500 years B. C. and taught the chinks the art of joss making, and how to do things backward. He also was the founder of ancestor worship. This still is practiced in England, but never in the United States or Australia. Recreation: Fireworks. Ambition: A Chinese laundry in every city. Epitaph: More Majorum. CONQUEROR, Will The, of Normandy. Wrote "Hastings" and "1066" in all history books. COOK, T. H. E., Lord of the Household. Entered the kitchen at a tender age. Soon acquired considerable weight in person, and in the management of the house. When she departed there was weeping, and wailing, and waiting. Diet: Usually large and everything of the best. Ambition: An American policeman, or Thomas Atkins. Recreations: Days off. Address: The whole house. COOK, Captain, a real explorer who discovered the Sandwich Islands and who took the first Cook's tour around the world. COOK, Doctor Frederick A., an explorer who said he discovered the north pole, but nobody believed him. (See Peary.) COOK, Tom, celebrated ticket seller, author of captivating travel literature, and a tour arranger who guarantees to save you money. Owns and operates the Nile and Mount Vesuvius. Publications: The Come On Books. Ambition: Those Americans who want to see everything. Also "first timers." Address: Any foreign city equipped with tourists. COOK (first name not known), son of the above, who helps his father save money for the tourist. He is called "fils" in Paris. COPPERFIELD, Dave, one of Dickens' friends who assisted him in building a reputation. CORBETT, James J., known as "gentleman Jim," one-time champion fighter of the world, and a "has been" for whom everybody has a good word. Many persons wish he might be the Corbett he used to be. Ambition: A white champion. CORELLI, Marie, an old-maid authoress who wrote delightful love scenes. She is said to have written some books which brought her fame and royalty. C. does not approve of society except her own. She remains secluded with her typewriter at Mason Croft, Stratford-on-Avon, only being seen by her publishers and the editor. Publications: See book stores and railway stations. Recreation: Flowers. Clubs: All anti-suffragette.  Ed. Note: The editor hopes to remove this name before the next edition. Its insertion is entirely due to the machinations of book reviewers, who claim Miss Corelli's books have fallen into the "was" class. The editor never contradicts a book reviewer.
COXEY, General, leader of the only non-militant army in the world which did not take up collections or give away Christmas dinners. CRITIC, Dramatic, a notorious prevaricator who tells the world to see all the shows, and thus preserves the advertising column for his employers. CROESUS, an ancient John D. Rockefeller, who became wealthy without trusts, the Supreme Court, or the stock market. CROKER, Dick, ex-king of New York City. Born in Ireland of Irish parents. From childhood he practiced the art of politics, which resulted in his gaining the friendship of the New York police force. C. was elected. C. was very poor. Later retired to his native land with two Atlantic liners filled with salary. Ambition: An Irish president. Recreation: English Derbys. Address: Ireland. Clubs: 1,100,000 New York Democratic. CROMWELL, Oliver, a militant Presbyterian who entered politics, and went about England tearing down churches. He also assisted in putting King Charles I. out of his pleasure. Ran things in England on a reform-Cromwell basis, and after his death was honored by having his round head placed as a decoration over Westminster Hall. CRUSOE, Robinson, F. R. G. S., traveller and autobiographer. Visited a sparsely-settled island in the Pacific Ocean; talked to parrots; found some footprints; rescued Friday, and returned to England to become an author. CUPID, Daniel, a cute little fat fellow who called on every one at least once. Born shortly after Adam, and is still up to mischievous tricks. It was he who made kings fall in love with poor country girls; chauffeurs with their ladies, and beggars with princesses. C. held all men and women equal provided they were good, and he made the happiest people on earth when they listened to his voice. He witnessed several international engagements, but did not like them, as the contestants gave him a black eye. He also was responsible for mothers-in-law. Some roads he made very rough, but C. always was a good guide. At times he caused pain, but he said it never was his fault. When C. stayed in a house the sun was always shining. You should be at home when he calls. Ambition: That sigh. Recreation: Archery. Address: Perhaps you know. Clubs: None. He prefers the fireside and moonlight nights. CURIE, Madame, one of the few women who got her name in print without being a suffragette or an actress. CZAR. See Russia.