BABY, T. H. E., an unscrupulous tyrant, s. father and mother. His first appearance caused heaven at home, and an idiotic father. Education: At home. Career: A series of adventures. Was frequently ill, a poor sleeper, toy demolisher, throat exerciser, nurse distractor, and a general nuisance. Despite his shortcomings he ruled Home with an iron hand--a tear caused a doctor-- a smile meant a gold mine. Diet: Principally liquid. Ambition: The moon. Recreation: Coaching, hair pulling, a proud father. Address: See Mother. BACCHUS, patron saint of most men, benefactor, a jolly good fellow, and the founder of the "morning after" feeling. Studied vine raising when a young man. Discovered that grapes were not intended for a food. Invented the greatest pleasure and pain giver the world has ever seen. Became a traveler. Introduced ale and stout in England, whiskey in Scotland, everything in Ireland, cocktails and patent medicines in the United States, beer in Germany, champagne in France, absinthe in France, and vodka in Russia. Career: Magnificent. Recreation: Paris. Address: Greece. Clubs: All, except W. C. T. U. Epitaph: He Will Live In The Throats Of His Countrymen. BACON, Francis, either wrote or did not write Shakespeare. BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived. Childhood and old age unknown. Formed an ambition to travel when quite young. First visited Switzerland, where he climbed every peak, walked every path, hired every guide, and did everything a tourist should so. His field of travel widened until every country in Europe was visited, as well as the United States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands he slept in every hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank every wine, rode on every boat, tramway, subway, and train; visited every ruin, museum, art gallery, church, store; mastered every language, science, art, literature, custom, history, and drew maps and plans of everything. Publications: Baedekers. Recreation: Staying at home. Ambition: Tourists. Residence: Germany. BALFOUR, Arthur James, of England, one time leader of the talking forces of the House of Commons. Ambition: Opposition seats on both sides of the house, and an epitaph over the home rule bill. Recreation: St. Andrew's golf and writing deep books. BALZAC, H., a Frenchman who wrote a few Parisian stories which may be discussed in respectable company. BARBAROSSA, Kaiser, the only emperor of Germany who ever went to sleep. BARKIS. Fame rested only upon his complete willingness. BARLEYCORN, John, an eminent citizen of the world. Spent early days in the fields, breweries, and distilleries. Later resided in cellars. John had a red nose. Was a great friend of Bacchus. He was a "wasser," he is an "iser," and he will be a "will be-er." Ambition: The end of temperance societies. BARNUM, Phineas T., fathered the introduction of the peanut, the clown, and the beautiful bareback riders. As a side show he taught that some Americans were Progressives part of the time; that other Americans were Republicans all the time, but that all Americans were not Democrats all the time. BARRY, Madame Du, writers' model, former queen of France. Was a great friend of Louis XV. and helped make the dances at Versailles a success. She always preferred marcel waves to pompadours. Ambition: To have and to hold. Address: See Louis. Clubs: Anti-suffragette. BARTHOLOMEW, an unfortunate saint who was skinned alive. Patron of gold mine investors and American tourists in Europe. BEARD, Blue, inventor of an original method to dispose of wives, before Reno was discovered. BEATRICE, a Florentine girl who gained fame by refusing the suit of a love-sick poet. Later she conducted him through heaven, and made arrangements for his travels in the other place. B. died a famous old maid. Ambition: A lover with money. Epitaph: She Might Have Been Mrs. Dante Had She Wanted To. BEECHAM, a celebrated pill roller. BELL, Alexander Graham, inventor of a well-known necessity and nuisance. Started the saying, "Number, please." BELSHAZZAR, an old king whose handwriting on the wall proved to be correct. BENEDICT, Saint, the man who introduced benedictine and monks into Europe. Also gave his name to benedicts. BERLITZ, the man who will teach you how to say it in everything. BERNHARDT, Sarah, an ancient French actress. Sarah was born before birth records were inaugurated, and no historian has been able to determine her age. Career: On the stage at four months. During her young-woman and goodlooking days-hood B. is said to have made a hit with European nobility. In her declining years she made a few other fortunes in the United States. B.'s fame culminated in having several cigars, perfumes, perspiration powders, and a theatre named after her. Ambition: The fountain of youth. Recreation: Statuary, acting. Address: Private cars and 56 Blvd. Pereire, Paris. She also has a telephone. BILL, Buffalo, alias W. F. Cody, the delight of the American boy. He began his career shooting buffaloes and Indians on the plains of the West, and ended it shooting glass balls for a fortune in a tent. Installed the I-want-to-be-a-cow-boy ambition in the hearts of young America. He also made a goatee and a big hat famous. Played the show market a little too long. BILLIKEN, a funny little fellow who did not wear many clothes, and made people laugh. BISMARCK, a German who was a greater politician than any Ireland has ever produced. He built an empire, crowned an emperor, changed the Frenchmen in Alsace-Lorraine into Dutchmen, and made the Paris mint work overtime for his country. Quite unpopular in France. Ambition: Made in Germany. BLACKSTONE, a rock upon which many a legal ship has foundered. BLERIOT, benefactor of humanity, idol of the tourist, and enemy of navigation. B. discovered a method of crossing the English Channel without being seasick. BLUCHER, a Dutchman who was on the job at Waterloo. He also was not the only German general who ever fought France. BONAPARTE, Joe, just Nap.'s brother (see him). BONHEUR, Rosa, a lady French artist who wore men's clothes. Being an old maid, she painted animals, but never mastered the parrot or the cat. Her endeavors were confined to horses, and one of her paintings is considered fair. BOOTH, General William, founder of a vast army which never fought a battle, made a retreat, or surrendered. Conducted campaigns in Great Britain and the United States, with brass bands and collection devises. The army later became a suffragette institution when women were admitted as recruits, and placed as sentries to guard the Christmas-Easter collection forts. Publication: War Cry. Recreation: Reviewing troopers and troopesses. BOSWELL, Dr. Johnson's press agent (see the Doctor). BRADSTREET, author. Wrote a book in which he described your bank account and told how you paid your bills. His complimentary comments are highly valued. BRIEUX, Eugene, a seller of damaged goods who got away with it without being fined or driven out of business. BROWN, John, an American who helped start the Civil War by espousing the cause of the negro. This resulted in his body moulding in the grave. BROWN, Thomas, an Englishman who reversed the usual procedure of life by springing into print when young, and keeping out of it when old. BROWNING, Robert, a cryptogram writer whose poems are deciphered by the Bostonese and cultured English people. It has been estimated that B. could say more with fewer words and conceal his meaning better than any writer since the adaptation of the alphabet as a means of expression. BROWNING, Mrs., Bob's wife. She also wrote poems. They were easily understood, and consequently seldom read. BRUMMELL, Beau, a man whose thoughts were more for the crease in his pantaloons than for his head. BRUTUS, Et Tu, a Roman murderer. BRYAN, William Jennings, a famous Chatauqua lecturer who ran a newspaper and the State Department on the side. Archaeologists claim B. formed a passion to rule the nation when a child. He only got as far as the Democratic party and platforms. Became a golden orator with a silver speech and offered himself as a rectifier of all things not Bryan. For ages his name was placed on the presidential ballot and later removed. Made a fortune by telling people why they did not elect him. Also toured the world, but shot no game in Africa or Monte Carlo. Was the father of Bryanism, an odious word meaning things Bryan. Later secured one Wilson to attend to Washington detail work. Motto: All things come to him with bait. Ambition: Short ballot with one name. Publications: The Commoner, a newspaper devoted to Bryan advertisements. Address: Mail forwarded from Washington. Epitaph: He Will Rise Again. BUCHANAN, J. C., manufacturer of the Scotchman's delight and weakness. He showed the world the excellence of two colors, and caused many a man to lose the keyhole. BUDDHA, a prince of India who tired of good times and turned reformer. Advised his congregations to adopt the recall and referendum. Nailed several anti-saloon and burlesque planks in his platform. After B.'s death his friends filled the Orient with his bronzes. He was fat and wore a fascinating wart on his forehead. BULL, John, a fine, fat, American-beef fed individual who inhabits a suffragette-infested island somewhere in the North Atlantic. Born several hundred years ago and is beginning to show his age. Is fond of the sea and is said to have a fine fleet. This has had off years, notably 1812. B. has had trouble with a son who wishes to leave the paternal protection. Is fearless except when faced by a hunger strike, the Pankhurst family, and thoughts of Germany. Patronizes a costly social organization known as the Royal Family, or a reception committee for American heiresstocracy, which also dedicates buildings, poses for stamps, post-cards, motion pictures and raises princesses of Wales for magazine articles and crowning purposes. B. is a monitor of English style; wears a monocle, spats, 'i 'at, cane, pipe, awful accent, and never makes his appearance without a cawld bawth. He detests the word "egotism." Is a celebrated humorist, seeing through all jokes but himself. Ambition: 'Ome sweet 'Ome. Recreation: Tea, Week Ends. Address: Hingland. Clubs: Policemen's, Golf, Jockey, and Suffrage. Epitaph: See Emperor William Again. BURNS, Robert, surnamed "Bobby," a Scotch bard who wrote love poems about his sweetheart. He thus performed two remarkable feats-- making poetry in the Scotch language, and finding a girl in Scotland who was as beautiful as his lines declare. BUTTERFLY, Madame, a little Japanese lady whose child has remained the same size and age for the past eight years. BYRON, Lord, an Englishman who swam rivers, was wise enough to get away from the London weather, helped kindle Greek fire, and wrote poems.