Jokes of the day

Originally posted by aska_lankas And why are you president when kerry got more votes than you?" at that moment the recess bell went and all the kids went to recess.

Bush beat Kerry in a fair fight, it was Al Gore who got more votes than him

You've got to see this scary website. It talks about why water is so evil.

http://www.angelfire.com/apes/watersucks/

Ever caught kissing someone you shouldn't be? Try Chico Marx's excuse:

World Bank gave 1 million dollar to 2 engineers - one Azerbaijani and one Englishman. Asked them to built bridges - English engineer in London, Azerbaijani engineer in Baku. They gave them 3 months. The money was grant. After 3 month they wen to london. Experts were welcomed by an Englishman and were invited for a great dinner decorated with all kind of Britain food and beer. They asked him: Man, how rich u're. How were u able to affort all of those stuff. He showed the city to experts, through his window, and told: See that bridge??

-Yeah..

This joke was written by a CPA(Coalition Provisional Authority) staffer in 2004, I think it captures the nature of the Iraq war well.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehova's Witness? 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfZgr2IfzmY LOL

>                 A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed
> her for February and March for their annual service charges on 
> her credit card,
> and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
>                 The balance, which had been $0.00, now is somewhere 
> around
> $60.00.
>
>                 _A family member placed a call to ANZ:_
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "The account was never closed and the late fees and
>                  charges still apply."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Since it is two months past due, it already has 
> been."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Either report her account to the frauds division or
>                 report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Excuse me?"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the
> part about her being dead?"

>                 ANZ:
>                 "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
>
>                 _Supervisor gets on the phone:_
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "The account was never closed and the late fees and
>                 charges still apply."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 (Stammer)    "Are you her lawyer?"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "No, I'm her great nephew."
>                 (Lawyer info given)
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Sure."
>                 (fax number is given)
>
>                 _After they get the fax:_
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't
> know what more I can do to help."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Well, if you figure it out, great!
>                 If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't
> think she will care."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Would you like her new billing address?"
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "That might help."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 " Rookwood Memorial Cemetery ,
>                 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney
>                 Plot  Number 69."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Apparently the following qoutes are actual transcripts put to witnesses during examination and cross-examination.

1. "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

3. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

4. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

5. "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
         -- No.
"Did you check for blood pressure?"
         -- No.
"Did you check for breathing?"
         -- No.
"So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
         -- No.
"How can you be so sure, doctor?"
      -- Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
         -- It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Those were five of the best from a sheet I recieved at the begining of my Legal studies course. Absolute gold.....

Regards, Praetor.

From a computer tech support call in the late 1990s.