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  Quote Kapikulu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Jokes of the day
    Posted: 18-Oct-2006 at 06:33
We gave up your happiness
Your hope would be enough;
we couldn't find neither;
we made up sorrows for ourselves;
we couldn't be consoled;

A Strange Orhan Veli
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  Quote Ponce de Leon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18-Oct-2006 at 23:29
Originally posted by Seko

Forgive me for not deciphering your latest Poncism. Radio?

    Say it outloud to yourself 10 times.
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  Quote mamikon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-Nov-2006 at 09:57

In the Red Square in Moscow, a line is snaking toward the Lenin's tomb. A change of guard is watched by the onlookers. A kid asks, "Daddy, why do they always keep guard at the tomb?"

"Didn't you hear what they say all the time? Lenin lived, Lenin is alive, Lenin will live forever. What if , God forbid, he is indeed alive, and decides to walk out of the tomb?"
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  Quote mamikon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-Nov-2006 at 09:57

Once Stalin received a delegation of workers from the Urals. When the workers left, Stalin looked around for his pipe but did not see it. He called the Chairman of the KGB Lavrentiy Beria and said, "Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe disappeared after the visit of those workers."

"Yes, Yosif Vissarionovich, I'll immediately take proper measures."

Ten minutes later, Stalin pulled out a drawer in his desk and saw his pipe. He struck a match, puffed out a ring of smoke, and dialed Beria's number.

"Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe's been found."

"What a pity," Beria said. "All of them have already confessed."
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  Quote mamikon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-Nov-2006 at 09:58

There was an international competition for the best book about elephants.

France submitted a lavishly illustrated volume titled "Love triangles in the elephants' families."

England presented a treatise "Elephants and the World Trade."

Germany submitted 24 volume set under the title "Introduction into elephantology."

The USA furnished one million copies of a leaflet announcing a sweepstakes, "Win an Elephant. No purchase necessary."

The USSR sent three volumes, with the following titles,

Vol. 1. Role of elephants in the Great October Socialist Revolution.

Vol. 2. The happy life of elephants under the sun of the most progressive in the world Soviet Constitution.

Vol. 3. Russia - the Motherland of elephants.
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  Quote mamikon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-Nov-2006 at 10:00

A mummy was found in Egypt. The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet advisor offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet advisor appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."

"How did you find out?"

"He confessed," the advisor said.
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  Quote mamikon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-Nov-2006 at 10:01

A Russian, a Frenchman and an American argued who was the bravest man. The American said, "For example, we take ten cars of which one has no brakes. We throw dice, each of us gets a car, we drive on a mountain road. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him there."

"That's nothing," the Frenchman said. "We choose ten girls and one of them has AIDS. We throw dice and each one of us gets a girl, and we make love to them throughout the night. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him."

The Russian said, "We gather in an apartment, even though we know that one of us must be an informer. We tell political jokes throughout the night, and then nine are in jail, and one visits the nine there."
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  Quote mamikon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-Nov-2006 at 10:03

A guard asked a political prisoner, "What is your term?"

"Ten years."

"What for?"

"For nothing."

"What a lie! For nothing they give only five years."
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  Quote mamikon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-Nov-2006 at 10:05

A woman walks into a food store. "Do you have any meat?"

"No, we don't."

"What about milk?"

"We only deal with meat. Across the street there is that store where they have no milk."

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  Quote aska_lankas Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10-Nov-2006 at 10:18
inside a travel agency the manager saw two elderly people examining a leaflet that was far too much for them on thier pension. so the manager walked over to them and said " listen i know that on your small pension you cannot afford a holiday of that price, so i am going to give you a holiday with the lot, 7 nights accomodation in a 5 star hotel, all expenses paid for and $5000 spending money. so the two went on the holiday and all was fine. 2 weeks later the manager saw the old lady and asked her how the holiday was. she replied "the holiday was fine but can you tell me who that old guy you sent me with was"
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  Quote Dan Carkner Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13-Nov-2006 at 11:57
Heh heh, some of those are pretty good.  I just have one that I heard on Qubec radio sometime this fall..
 
Y'a un touriste Allemand qui s'tait retrouv dans un coin lointain du Qubec..Il est arrt pour demander des directions de deux gars Qubecois..
"Sprechen sie deutsch?"
Les deux Qubecois lui regardent et disent rien.
"Eu..Spreek je nederlanders?"
".."
"Hablan ustedes Espaol?"
"...."
"Do you speak..English?" a dit l'Allemand.
Encore les deux gars lui regardent. Finalement l'Allemand s'en va.

"Hey, Claude.." dis le Qubecois. "Penses-tu qu'on devrait apprendre une autre langue..?"

"Non-non," dis l'autre, "'garde, lui y'en connassait quatres pis a lui a rien donn!"
 
 
------
A German tourist finds himself lost in a backwater rural part of Quebec.  He finally gives up and pulls over when he sees two local guys walking along the side of the road.
"Hello, do you speak English?" he says.
The two men stare blankly at him.
"Sprechen sie deutsch..?" he asks.
Again they say nothing and shrug.
"Uhh.. Spreek je nederlanders?"
The two Qubecois look at each other, baffled.
"Hablan ustedes Espaol?", says the German, feebly.
Again they shrug.
Finally, in despair he drives away.
 
"Hey, Claude.." says one of the men in French.  "Don't you think we should learn another language someday?"
 
"Nah," responds Claude, "Look at that guy, he speaks 4 languages and it didn't get him anywhere!"
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  Quote babyblue Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29-Dec-2006 at 10:29
After the war, an RAF pilot reflects on his days in the service with a group of schoolchildren.

"In 1942," he tells them, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."

At this point, several children giggle at the pilot's strong accent.

"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

Now, the girls in the room start to giggle and boys start to laugh. A teacher states "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the retired pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."
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  Quote bagelofdoom Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30-Dec-2006 at 05:00
Here's a joke regarding my particular educational institution's rivals.  You can change the names in your head to whatever is funniest, it'll still work. 

A Coug and a Husky met head-on in a collison and both miraculously survived. Both agreed that this was a sign to end the bitter rivalry and the Husky opened his trunk, took out a half-full bottle of whisky and gave the Coug a few celabratory swigs. He then replaced the cap and put the bottle back in his trunk. The Coug asked, "Aren't you going to take a few swigs to celebrate this glorious moment?" "Sure, right after the state troopers get here."
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  Quote aska_lankas Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31-Dec-2006 at 15:03
George W Bush was making a speech at a primary school and at the end of it he asked if anyone had any questions. One little boy put his hand up and Bush says "yes whats your name?" the boy replies " my name is billy and i have 3 questions, why did we start a war with Iraq?,Why are there still troops in Iraq?, And why are you president when kerry got more votes than you?" at that moment the recess bell went and all the kids went to recess. When they came back in Bush asked if anyone had any questions,and another boy put his hand up. Bush said "whats your name son?" the boy replied "tim, and i have 5 questions, Why did we start a war with Iraq?,Why are there still troops in Iraq?,Why are you president when kerry got more votes than you?,Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?,and wheres billy?.
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  Quote Balaam Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14-Jan-2007 at 07:45
Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.

Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back.

As he came back up Zeke noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about.

Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here." Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.

Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"

Zeb groaned, "I don't know...but what's a pinata??
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  Quote Paul Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14-Jan-2007 at 10:11
  The Jack Schitt story
  ---------------------
 
  For some time many of us have
  wondered just who is Jack Schitt?  We
  find ourselves at a loss when someone
  says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
  Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts,
  you can now respond in an intellectual way.
 
  Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
  Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married
  O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
  They had one son, Jack.
 
  In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
  The deeply religious couple produced
  six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,
  Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins
  Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.  Against her
  parents' objections, Deap Schitt married
  Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
 
  After being married 15 years, Jack and
  Noe Schitt divorced.  Noe Schitt later
  married Ted Sherlock, and, because her
  kids were living with them, she wanted to
  keep her previous name. She was then known
  as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
 
  Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
  and they produced a son with a rather
  nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
  Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt
  and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
  childhood and subsequently married the
  Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
  The wedding announcement in the newspaper
  announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
 
  The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,
  Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal
  son, left home to tour the world. He recently
  returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa
  Schitt.
 
  Now, when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt,"
  you can correct them.
Light blue touch paper and stand well back

http://www.maquahuitl.co.uk

http://www.toltecitztli.co.uk
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  Quote Balaam Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15-Jan-2007 at 08:55
This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!" Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing. Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing. The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going on?" The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full" The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts "46!!" Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!" and yet still not a sound from the patrons. The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response. The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a joke, and some folks can't"
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  Quote Balaam Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15-Jan-2007 at 08:57
Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff.
The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink." 
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  Quote babyblue Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15-Jan-2007 at 09:15
Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, That is nice. What's it called?

Viens a moi, replies Nancy.

Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?

At this stage the assistant offers some help. Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?
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  Quote Krum Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15-Jan-2007 at 14:22
This joke is for my greek friends here.Please,dont offend.

Question:What happens when a greek with erection walks toward a wall?
Answer:He hits his nose into the wall.

Edited by Krum - 15-Jan-2007 at 14:22
It is only the dead who have seen the end of war.
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